he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
