i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
