Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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