I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
