I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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