I met the friendliest cop last night
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
