Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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