I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
