Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
