found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i now understand why vodka
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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