Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
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After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
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The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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