true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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