We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i think i just lost a toe
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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