the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
