Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
