since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
