dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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