Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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