You kept calling me your small dog last night.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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