I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
