best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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