Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize