My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
