Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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