chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
