I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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