I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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