i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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