atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
