i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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