omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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