Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This is my gift to your gina
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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