Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
