the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
