shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
