Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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