First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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