When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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