My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
