Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Sorry about my life...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
