either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
