I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
