your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
