I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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