i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
