Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
