I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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