i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
