She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
