I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
