I think I died a long time ago.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
