When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
