the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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