On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
