i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
