Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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