Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
