i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
