Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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