Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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